I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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