this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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