No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
