Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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