Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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