Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
