would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
