i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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