Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize