Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got chris browned last night
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
