I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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