Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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