tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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