I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
