I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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