i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
