I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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