My room smells like vodka and shame
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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