the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I will pee on everything he values.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
