you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize