I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
