There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
