i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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