Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
