Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
