oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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