if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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