Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
