This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pants are for mortals
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