I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
