evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
