I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
