Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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