Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
