the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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