Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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