look no pants
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
