dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The maid of honor just puked.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
