So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
