i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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