I can text with my tongue
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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