Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I need water and some morals
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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