Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
