Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize
