I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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