I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
