I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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