Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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