What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize