I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
