We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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