I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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