she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
