you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
