Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
