At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
