i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
