I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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