im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
