1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
two words: eviction party
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
