im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
smell my finger.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
