My Higher Power is John Stamos
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize