she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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